This is my story

lonelylover20 @ 2004-05-29T22:34:00

2004-05-30T02:35:06Z

this is goodbye.

starting over though.

if you want my new LJ ask for it!!!!!!!!

real eyes, realize, real lies.

2004-05-28T00:33:36Z

theres only one word to describe this week..... WOW!!! its been good and bad... mostly good though. Danielle helped me alot... (if you read my last entry then you'd know that) lol. im starting to get pretty stressed about school now. i mean im gunna be exam dependent in like 3 of my classes and i hate that cuz then i stress out 20x more and then i like flip out and forget everything... and those 3 classes are going to be my HARDEST exams too. figures. oh well. enough about that. other then that lil bit i've been pretty happy. our lunch hour has been the greatest this week... seriously (brianna, debbie, paige, jessica, stephanie, beth & jordan) i love those girls more then anything!!! they have made my comming to stevenson so great... i dont know what id do with out them... ohh and (megan) lol!

The things that make me happy:

Summer time
Beaches
wifey, gangsttaa, rexy, doe, & my new friend danielle
my lover...
all my close/true friends
certain music
being able to talk to someone & have them completely understand what i'm saying
watchin movies w/ppl
going out w/a bunch of ppl and just being ourselves & not even really have to do anything and still have fun
going shopping when i have alotta money
the superbowl
watching the pistons win
that school is almost over
that i get to go up north w/rexy soooooon
my birthday is coming up (even tho its a sad time)
being outside

i think that's all i can come up with for now. oh well.. good enough!!!

<33333 lover! :-*

i know. danielle is a great person. wow.

2004-05-25T23:33:36Z

:redo: i want to give up. i feel like its my only way but i know its not. thanx to Danielle. who is going to be my new friend and maybe soon to be bestfriend. wow. hearing things from someone who doesnt know you or doesnt really know things you've been through means alot. especially people who have been thru the same things before. its amazing how you can relate to someone so much and not even know it. i really need to keep my eyes open and keep my head up. this is a horrible thing to go through and i feel like everything goes good for awhile then DAMN i come to realization with everything and all of a sudden everything just SUCKS... then it gets good again and then goes bad and it just keeps going. but Danielle has reassured me that maybe things wont go bad. Also I need to focus on the things that make me happy. So I need to sit down and really think about the things that make me happy and stay focused on that and not on the negative things/ or the things that keep bringing me down. (so my next entry is going to be a list of all the things that make me happy) so thank you danielle for talking to me and really making me understand. wow. its amazing how just that little bit you've told me has changed completely. I mean I know that going to the negative is never going to help ANY situation but it's like just sometimes I get so down that I don't feel there's any hope. & this time YOU were my hope. I don't think I can thank you enough and maybe this is my time to shine. We'll see. I really hope that we meet and shit and become friends cuz you seem like such a sweet girl and awesome to be around. ah I don't even think I can explain it. You have a different/great way of thinking and expressing it. I like it. :-) so again thank you so much. it really means alot. I'm glad we started talking on herre and now on AIM so this summer is deffinitely about us!! HA! love ya! so yes I'm going to be ohkay. I'm not giving up on myself. I don't really think I ever was but I just get so mad and I let everything bother me. I need to work on that. Danielle is a great person. I love her. She is so my new friend. Whoa go me I made a new friend. WOOOOO!!! I'm going to be ohkay. Everything is going to be ohkay.

ASSHOLES!

2004-05-24T00:07:03Z

wow so today i had a weird feelin and yeah... now i know why i had that feeling...

for some odd reason i went and check my old journal (elyse_marie) one and i had a comment from this one person and thats who my feeling was about... .so i IMed him and yeah its crazy. ahh i miss him.

this weekend = :-D

this summer... oh hell yeah deff gunna be the shit...

its good to know everythings cool again... .lets keep it this way now... nothin can come between our friendship. deal?

elyse = :-D

dishonesty is the second-best policy.

2004-05-23T08:03:10Z

I cant stand being sick. I got sick on Friday and I still don't feel to great. I feel better but ehh not all that great. Well uhm Brianna picked me up and dropped me off from school on Friday which was pretty cool... i love her!! then i came home and basically slept til 6.. then doe, megan, e-dub and my brother were herre... we all went to the mall so doe could get something fer my bro fer his birthday (which was saturday) then we all went and ate taco bell... chilled in the parkin lot fer awhile... then went to megans & rob left to go 2 lexi's then he met us back at doe's... we chilled therre fer a couple hrs er so then they all came to bring me home. i took my medicine and passed out. then i slept just about all day saturday til around 10 when megan and doe were in my house. lol they woke me up so i could go to the fair with em. the fair was gay... we seen 2 fights which were funny as hell and i seen my JOSHUA!!! ahh i've missed him so much seriously. i love that kid so much too. AHHH joshy & boney always... mann we've had some good ass times.. i really miss you alot.. i hope things start lookin up 4 the both of us and we can start hangin out again. then we left and went and cruised gratiot fer awhile. then we all came herre and chilled fer a lil while... and from sleepin all day i cant sleep at all. im tired and hungry and ugh. school is deff almost over & this summer is gunna be kick ass. i cant wait, im so excited seriously. other then that ive had some shit on my mind and im pretty much confusin the hell outta myself and i dont think i wanna do that right now... but i dk i got alot to straighten out & crap...

well im out... hopefully gunna be going 2 bed soon but i doubt it.

there isn't anything more important than admitting your true feelings towards someone

2004-05-20T01:26:34Z

wow i dont even know where to start.

The weekend was pretty kick ass. I seen some ppl I havent seen in forever (my hott hoe, mandy & chris-ta-fer) are the main ones. I hung out w/doe all weekend!! :o) We went to the Silver Dome on Sunday fer some Chrysler thing and it was pretty awesome!! *I want that truck, oh and the guys too* lol wow great fun.

Monday was alright... school then I came home and packed and shit. Then I left around 11 when Doe, Megan and Jamie came and picked me up. Me & Megan stayed at Doe's hizzouse.

Tuesday we got up around 5. We had no water so we went to Meijers to get some. HA what a joke. We went back to the house so we could get ready and we left for pankow then me megan & jamie just decided to follow our directions instead of following the busses. We ended up makin it to Ohio and to Cedar Point. It was alright, we didn't get to ride that many rides cuz of the rain. But i still had fun cuz i love the rain....! Then we left around 5ish and made it home sometime around 8 and i got to my house around 8.30ish. Which wasn't too bad. Watched the new Real World and passed out.

Today school sucked fer the most part. Ugh. yeah came home, ate, napped and did some homewerk :o)

but you're my favorite thing by far

2004-05-13T22:41:56Z

This week has had some good & bad parts to it... ugh.

Some of the BaD:
-Brianna told us that she was moving, to Myrtle Beach. On June 12th {2 days after we get outta school.}
-Then yesterday I think she found out that she was leaving earlier... like on the 4th. She's not even finishing the rest of the year. She's taking all her exams early and everything!!!
-its so hot & muggy in school lately. it sucks.
-i got home from school yesterday and we didn't have power til like 8.30 last night... i was quite pissed off about that one.

Some of the GooD:
+ i got 3 new pairs of pj pants
+ i got my spring break pics developed finally
+ i've been gettin money lately
+ i hung out with Jessica!
+ things are starting to look up again. (im far from being outta my depression but things are gettin semi-better)
+ me & my mom are doing great
+ i got my new purses in the mail yesterday!! :o)
+ also another letter from Ricky!!!
+ he's doing pretty good too... our situation sux but its alright...

Tomorrow is Friday. Deffinitely good but i don't have any plans yet but thats quite alright. I'm really not to worried about it I guess. I wanna go out to chestertucky and see some people but once again i doubt that'll happen cuz my plans always fall thru but w/e i dont care anymore.

CountdownS:
52 & 69!!

*Baby; I Love You*

_rip_

Comment.... <3333

this is really never over.

2004-05-09T21:26:35Z

All in all.... this weekend just sucked.

+ i got to shop online! (im gettin 2 new purses)
+me & my mom went out 2 breakfast on Sat.
+i got 2 see my brother again! :o)
= the *good* points of my weekend...how pathetic.

i am going to talk to my mom about gettin some more stuff off line! i need some more flip flops & some other stuff!

i really wanted to go see *Daniel* {the band Dave is in} perform this weekend. ugh it makes me mad that i can't just go where ever i want when i want too.
On that subject:
I talked to my mom while we went to breakfast about me getting a car and basically all she came to was to get a job. which completely makes sense but im never going to be able to afford it on my own. so who knows. this summer is going to change me ALOT. seriously. I need so much money its not even funny. I mean I want so much shit that I can't afford because I don't have any money. So yeah this is deffinitely a shitty situation so I've got some things set up for this summer plus im gunna look fer a real job too.

Special Note:
It's mothers day so.... Happy Mothers Day to everyone's mom and the ones who are Moms To Be!!!

In the end I just want to be happy.
Is that really too much to ask for???

</3

random-ness!

2004-05-08T20:28:35Z

This morning was nice... me & ma went out 2 breakfast!! :-) it was niice!!! i was home alone last night which was great too! lol i dont know whats going on today but oh well im not worried about it.

i talked to Dave yesterday!! holy wow that boy is gorgeous!!!! ahh I wanna go see one of his shows too... maybe this summer i can take a road trip down to see him and stay out there fer awhile & see him perform!! :-D

yeah i dk. just felt like updating for some odd reason.

lonelylover20 @ 2004-05-06T21:41:00

2004-05-07T01:42:41Z

Comment & maybe I'll ADD you...

i wish i had an explanation, but i don't.

2004-05-06T22:36:45Z

Well we had a 1/2 day yesterday. Very nice. It was great outside. I cut the grass then I fell asleep outside for like an 1 1/2. I got alotta sun. My face is pretty red but it'll get dark sooooon! I got my hair cut (again) and hi-lighted. I love it!!! Tomorrow is Friday and I have nothing planned once again. This morning was so wonderfully odd. But I love moments like those... ahh Andy is fuckin awesome. I'm really glad we started talkin.. hopefully I'll see him & hang out w/him ova the summer ALOT!!!

ugh I just don't know.

Take a good look at me.
Do I look oh-kay to you?
My arms & face are all bruised.
This is what I get from you?
Why?
I didn't deserve this from you.
You hurt me.
I'm a fool to believe that you love me.
This isn't love.
You used me, beat me, & ruined me.
And for what,
To make yourself feel good?
You're sick.
Well here then I hope this makes you feel good
You will NEVER hurt me again.
Fuck you, it's over.
Good-Bye.

------------------------------------------

I want you. I need you. Why don't you see me like I see you? Yeah were friends & all but why can't it be more? I wish things could be different... I just want you to want me, like I want you! We could make eachother happy. We've been there for eachother through so much. Don't you wanna be happy? Don't you want someone that loves you? Well when you decide on what you want, pick up the phone.... I'll be on the other line. Waiting for you!

----------------------------------------------

Why do things happen the way they do?
How can you treat me like that?
No-one, not even me deserves that.
It's like I'm not even real.
I have feelings too.
You need to realize some things before we go on.
How could I fall for a guy like you?
I promised myself I wouldn't put myself into a situation like this.
Look where you put me.

------------------------------------------------

Can someone please explain to me what it is to be happy?
I can't remember what happiness feels like.
Yes, it's been that long since I was happy.
People think I'm happy but I'm NOT.
I act like it, but it's all an act.
It's been nothing but a fake smile.
I hate liars but that's all I've been doing,
but what am I supposed to do?
I don't want people on my case about what's wrong,
So I pretend.
Everything is so messed up,
nothing goes right.
Why?
Happiness should be in everyone's life.
So why isn't it a part of mine?
Guys, family, friends, music, & drugs...
nothing seems to work.
I'm not happy with myself,
so I can't be happy with you or anyone else.
This is so real.
Believe it.

---------------------------------------

This is me.... STRIPPED.
((the real me is starting to show, will you be able to handle it?))

</3

you were the last good thing about this part of town.

2004-05-04T02:49:17Z

I re-did my journal... with some help from my one and only wife. Thankee bunchez. For today being a monday it wasn't half bad. I was in a good mood all day. Came home and did a bunch of different stuff. Nothing too important though. That's ohkay though.

Nothing is really going on but for some reason I feel so overwhelmed with things. I don't really understand. There isn't really much out on my plate in front of me but these things just wont stop racing through my head, no matter what I think about all the bad comes back. Doe all that was so true, it's really scary to think about. But knowing me it wont mean anything to me when the time comes around for it all. I'm really not happy & I haven't been.... seems sorta odd but mann it couldn't be more true. I'm so confused with everything that I don't know what to do about anything anymore. Everything irritates me, everything gets under my skin even though I try so hard not to let it but I can't help it. My true colors are showing more and more everyday and it scares me. I don't want anyone to really see, but I can't fake it anymore. Or can I? Can I keep going like this for just a little bit longer? Is it really possible? I guess I'm gunna have to wait and see. Time tells everything. I just want to give up but I know that I can't. There is something deep down telling me not too but there are just some times that I don't wanna listen to that. Ugh....

((for once im expressing how I really feel))

<333

you are the angel from my nightmare.

rip *rjjmj, papa & jewlz*

the worlds a mess, and you're my only cure.

2004-05-03T00:47:24Z

Friday... school was pretty decent I guess. I felt like shit by the end of the day. Got stuck in traffic on the way home which I was really pissed about.. got home and called rexy.. they didnt end up coming to get me right away which was good. i felt like i was gunna die so i layed down for like a 1/2 hr and took some more meds for my headache and it still wasnt going away. i got up, ate and got all my shit together and then they were herre so we left. got to my other home and started getting ready for the show. It was seriously alottta fun.. i <3 goin to em. this one wasnt as good as the 1st show i went too but still. me, sara, rexy, mark were star gazing at ALL the stars out on the deck. Tom Green fell on me durin his show. Gabe is seriously really hott. I love Rexy & Sara. We ended up going to like 4 different gas stations on the way home. we layed down and talked for like ever and finally went to bed.

Saturday we like stayed in bed til 1 then finally got up and got ready for the day... dropped rexy off at werk... so me ma and kristi went in & had some nachos and just kinda sat around. went to the mall AHHH i found so much stuff that i want i cant wait til this summer seriously. so i can get money and shit its gunna be great. went home... took a nap and watched some tv. then rexy got home from werk and we were just being stupid and what not then layed down and talked & she was like fallin asleep so i finally decided to shut up and go to sleep.

Today... was odd. usually we sleep in til like EVER and ReXy woke me up at like 10:54 and she had been up since like 10. i was verrry surprised. moms car wouldnt start... then finally it did they left & came back w/ coffee from mcdonalds, dunkin doughnuts & stuff from the store... then we made like real breakfast. rexy like puked it was funny. she got in the shower then i did and we got all ready and everything then sat around and cleaned up a lil bit then doe came and got me. she brought me home & we were talking about sum crazy shit on the way to my house. i was kinda scared but i know its all true which scares me even more cuz i've been seriously thinkin about shit like that alot.... now i dk but i still feel like i should. UGH *you ppl just wouldnt understand* but yeah & she just left not to long ago. ugh i hate sundays. well for once i didnt come home real early and stay in my jammies all day and watch movies like i normally do every sunday. im proud :) lol NOT!

yeah so that was my weekend....*in a nut shell*

i did have fun on friday though even though my really bad headache came back at the show.. but it was worth it.

<333

this is just me, stripped.

2004-04-25T23:51:34Z

well in one word to sum up this weekend...... SUCKY!! lets see.. i slept my friday away... saturday i didnt do nething til about 7... doe came over ate taco bell..YUM... took some crazy ass pix... went to megans.... went to cvs so i could get somestuff... back to megans... then we went to cruise gratiot... kinda sucked too but yeah got home around midnight... then w/e and today just plain out SHITTY! im actually lookin forward to going to school tomorrow.... damn i cant believe i said that but its true.

Next weekend... oh it shall be much better. i cant wait.. im so excited! :-D

yeah well thats my lovely update about my oh-so-facking-lovely-weekend....

soooo

-C-O-M-M-E-N-T-

i just don't give a fuxk

2004-04-23T02:15:14Z

hhhhMmMmM... school was alright i guess. i was in a pritty decent mood today.. i wrote rexy a really long note today & i still gotta draw her a pic too... wooo! i got my new webcam today when i got home so of course i went picture crazy today.. tee-hee :-] today has just been a weird day i guess you could say... i really dont know why but it has... but hey its Thursday and *almost* Friday so i'm not complaining. Yes and for the 1st time in like 2 months i have NO plans this weekend what-so-ever. i normally have shit set already and i have nothing. wow its gunna be seriously so craaaazy if i dont go newhere er do anything this weekend... ahhh!!!!!!! i mean i have someone to go and see but i dont think that imma be able to get out that way to see him... oh well its ohkay there'll be other weekends but things really need to get straightened out face 2 face so yeah the sooner the better... i suppose. wow its only 10 and im freakin tired... i guess maybe thats a good thing... i dk! theres just some things i need to go and think about and maybe they'll get off my mind fer awhile... ehh but i doubt it.... *sighs* </p>

*there ya go.. thats only some.. im sure ill take more tomorro er suttin!*
... spare me the shitty comments... i know im *UGLY*! :-)

HaPpY HoLiDaYs!

2004-04-21T02:33:10Z

HaPpY nAtIoNaL pOt SmOkIn DaY!!!

iTs *FoUr* FuKkIn *TwEnTy*

hope everyone toked up some good ass tree.... HoLLa!!

I think I can handle this.

2004-04-19T01:04:07Z

Monday~ Well my sister picked me up, we went to Old Navy & I got new flip flops fer summer!!! We got some dinner and I babysat McKenna for her so she could go see Kurt. Then we went to CVS and after that I had her drop me off at Katies then we went to Rexy's dads house.... we watched some movies and what not. Stayed the night therrre!
Tuesday~ Woke up... didn't do much. Me and Rexy met Steve up at the movies cuz Katie hoed us out. We seen The Girl Next Door. It was pretty good I guess... lol Then we seen John Scott, Evan, Tom and a buncha people. It was GREAT!!! :) I havent seen TOM in forever and I was seriously so excited to see him. TOM makes me :-D Went back to Rexy's uhm and watched some more movies and went to bed.
Wednesday~ We got up and layed around and watched some more movies... we were going to hang out w/Sara but we couldnt get ahold of her... then we were gunna go to the baseball game and they decided not to so we went up to Barrymores... no one was therre but it was still pritty tight. lol went back to the house and i think we went for a walk and what not then watched like 2 movies and went to bed.
Thursday~ Got up.. watched more movies... i swear i watch so many damn movies w/dat gurl its crazzee. We had to get ready and get our stuff together so we could go to ma's house... we got therre and showered and got all prettty... went up to Taco Bell for dinner and on the way back we got honked at and then we went to Jamies house and chilled w/her for a bit. Walked back to ma's and Doe was already pullin up so I got my stuff and left w/Doe, Megan and Dani. I dont exactly remember what we all did but uhm yeah stayed the night at Doe's crizzle
Friday~ we ALL went and looked at houses w/dani and her ma. then we went out 2 eat then to the craft show at macomb community college... then we went and took Janice to work, went and picked up Dayna, Dani and Megan.... I took some pics of some random stuff like: the sky, random people on the street... some of Megan and Doe... and then we went and cruised gratiot.. therre had to of been like 50 crotch rockets out and I didn't have any more film left... i was so pissed cuz i was gunna take pics of the cars and people and shit. Then this tore up mustang pulls up next to us and i wasnt even gunna look at the ppl cuz i figured itd be some old dirrty guy in this fucked up car... oh no this boy was FINE!! oh man... I so wish I coulda got his picture...ugh then we didnt see him after that...*tears* took megan home, went to does.. ate dinner at like 1 somethin and went to bed.
Saturday~ went grocery shoppin fer ma in the BIG truck. Megan called on the way back and wanted to know if we'd go w/her to get another tat. so we went home and took all the groceries in the house... well after Doe dropped the Milk .. lmao. went to megans and we 4got about something important and she didn't go get her tat. we went to Meijers and then to Christines and chilled for awhile. Went back to does to eat dinner and the grill cought on fire while me, doe and jamie were at the ice cream truck and megan was sitting RIGHT therre watchin it... it was hilarious.. we ate then took chi-chi to megans to show her off and *my hott hoe* had just left and E-Rich was therre... we went and took the puppy home and then met E-Rich and E-Dub at E-Rich's crizzle.. chilled therre fer awhile & waitied to hear from my bro.. we decided that we were gunna cruise gratiot... went BACK TO MEGANS to meet Sabrina therre.... *E-Rich's german girlyfriend* chilled therre fer awhile... went to doe's to get her stuff to stay the night @ megans... I was in a shitty mood and cruisin basically sucked... they took me home though and that was at like 1am. mom came home got into a huge fight like ALWAYS... cried & went to bed.
Sunday~ got up and my mom was actually talkin to me... cleaned and a buncha shit today... it was so nice out too and I was in the house ALL Day.. i mean i went outside and shit but the majority of the day i was cooped up inside cleaning and shit. ugh DEFFINITELY dont wanna go back to school though... I'm so dreadin it like WHOA.

yeah that was my week... Oh and some day.. I think Friday we went to my sisters house *me, doe, megan and dani* to see Mandy and the kids... cuz she was babysittin and guess who ended up being therre? *Rob, E-Rich and E-Dub* lol I guess you'd have to know the WHOLE story to understand...

ugh what an interesting and tiring week... I'm freakin tired and I wanna sleep but I still gotta shower and do something to my hair for tomorrow. LOL yeah

I'm not your girlfriend, I'm your homie

just a lil UPDATE for anyone who FUCKING CARES!!!!!